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Archive for the ‘Emotion Practice’ Category

Although many people experience some form of anxiety in their lives the number that experience it severely are rare. However, anxiety is becoming an increasing problem when it is not controlled. If left unchecked it can take over some people’s lives causing them much pain. It can lead to physical and emotional problems that adversely affect people’s health and relationships. It can also affect a countries economy as many people are left unable to work with severe anxiety problems.

There are many ways that you can help manage your anxiety. One way is to get in touch with your emotions and feelings. Having a better understanding of your emotions and feelings and how they affect you can enable you to cope much better with your anxious feelings.

The best place to start when understanding your emotions is to become more aware of them. You can do this right away, but it is better to do it in an environment where you will not be disturbed. First of all focus on your breathing and notice how you breathe. Is it deep and slow or is it short quick intakes of breath? The next thing to do is become aware of how you hold yourself or your posture. Does your body feel relaxed or does it feel tense or nervous? Next, focus your attention on your whole body and sense what you are feeling. Is it an overwhelming sense of calm or tension? For a minute or two just sit there and experience your feelings.

After a few minutes think of a word or feeling that sums up these sensations. Do not worry if you cannot think of anything. The key thing to accomplish here is just to become more aware. With more practice you will become more in tune with the sensations of your body and what it really means to you. You can then select feeling words to the sensations that you are experiencing. For example, the following are a number of feeling words that you can use to label your feelings:

Anxious
Angry
Fearful
Nervous
Dizzy
Uneasy
Uptight

These are only a few but feel free to add your own feelings words to the list. Take time out to regular become more aware of your feelings and review your list and identify if you keep experiencing the same feelings on a regular basis.

It is important to point out that feelings of anxiousness serve a purpose as they can alert you to real danger. However, this reaction becomes a problem when the fear is imagined and is experienced on a regular basis. When you can identify what you’re feelings are and why they make you anxious then, you have a better understanding of how to overcome it.

To Observe Your Own Facial Emotions, Take This Powerful Test – the Photo Shoot

I had photos taken recently for a new project that I have been working on as the producer of a CD of jazz songs by a Montreal singer/songwriter. I hadn’t done a photo shoot for quite a long time. And I looked forward to this with some trepidation because I know that finding just the right expression for a really good photo is not easy. Especially if you want a very specific feeling.

While a professional photographer will help you with that, I am not suggesting that you pay the big dollars to have a photo taken just to experiment with your facial emotions.

Instead, ask a friend take a bunch of shots of you so that you can take your time – laugh while you do it – and try different things in a relaxed atmosphere.

Learn Your Own Face

This is something that even you seasoned singers can do now and then to re-discover your expressive face. Our faces and our expressive ability change over time. We can get into facial and/or physical habits that may need to be observed and re-thought.

Here is what I suggest for a very informative and fun practice shoot. Borrow a digital camera, if you do not own one. Ask a (good) friend to come over for a few hours to take ‘singer’ pictures of you. Get out some performance-oriented clothing that you would use for a show. And start working.

Take facial pictures like some of the following:

1. In different poses

2. With a variety of expressions in mind

3. While you are sitting and standing

4. While you are singing

5. In several outfits

6. Indoors and outdoors

7. With makeup and without makeup

8. In natural light (the sun coming into the room)

9. With a light (any light) shining on your face

The list goes on…. just use your imagination.

Specific Emotions

Aim for shots that ask for specific kinds of emotion. Happy, sad, fierce, tired, angry, desperate… etc.

One way that I “find” an expression is by thinking about or actually singing a few phrases from a song that get me into that particular feeling. Then I stop singing and the camera shoots.

This is a fun and very helpful lesson in how to create facial emotions that express the real you. After you have finished with the “face-only photos, take some shots of your whole body, – standing, sitting, singing, posing, etc. Then take a deep breath, load the photos into your computer, and have a good close look at your expressions, both facial and full physical.

Celebrate your own beauty! And look for ways to become even more fully expressive.

When you really look closely at anxiety, depression, fear, anger or stress, you will almost always find recurring patterns of negative thoughts, traumatic memories and habitual emotional reactions. They are our tormentors, the pesky biting insects that annoy us throughout the day. They ambush our consciousness, pull us down and cause stress and emotional suffering. They come uninvited, cause havoc, and we wish that they would go away. If only we could control them, we would certainly have a better chance of controlling our mental state. So how do we do this? The practice of mindfulness and mindfulness meditation can provide a path forward.

The first step of mindfulness practice, and one that can make all the difference, is to fully and completely understand that YOU ARE NOT YOUR THOUGHTS. Thoughts, emotions, in fact any mental content that arises are simply products of conditioning; YOU are much more than this. It is like the ocean and the fish that swim in the ocean. The ocean is not the same as the fish that live in it, and cannot be equated with the contents. The essence of the ocean is as the space that contains these things, not its contents. The same applies to the mind. The essence of the mind is as a container of experience, the ground in which mental objects, thoughts, emotions, beliefs, perceptions and memories can exist. When you realize this, that you are so much more than your thoughts and emotions, then you are well on the way to gaining your freedom and independence from the pesky flies that cause so much stress and suffering. At the end of the day you have a simple choice to make: Do you want to be the ocean in all its vastness and glory, or do you want to be a fish, flapping around in a state of agitation and fear? Learning to be the ocean is a wise choice, and this is something that can be achieved through the practice of mindfulness.

The trick is to learn to see mental objects as just that, objects, not you, that arise, do their dance and then pass away. Anxiety arises, and what is our usual response? We are ambushed by the emotion and we become the emotion. We become an anxiety-fish! Fear arises and we are seduced into becoming afraid, a fear-fish. Anger arises and we become angry-fish. No choice, no freedom, lots of suffering.

With the practice of mindfulness, we begin to get wise, and become more engaged with what is going on in our minds. Mindfulness helps us tune in to this cycle of habitual emotional reactivity. Instead of blindly accepting our impulses to become anxious, to become afraid, to become fish, we learn to actively engage with these reactions. When anxiety thoughts arise, we respond with, “I see you, anxious thought. I welcome you, I will make a space for you to do your dance, I will listen to you with care and attention…but I will NOT become you.” You can learn to mindfully greet each emotion, each negative thought, as a visitor who has come to stay for a while, just like visitors in your home. Invite them in, offer them tea and sit with them for a while. You may not like your visitors, but you know the importance of being kind, courteous and hospitable.

You cannot get rid of your negative emotions, your depression and fear by force, which is our usual reaction. We don’t want to feel our anger or fear; we want to fix them so they won’t bother us. But, here’s the thing. You can’t. Why not? Because you created them. Its like asking a wolf to guard the farmer’s chickens. A system that is broken cannot fix itself.

What is needed is something altogether more creative, and this is the second step of the practice of mindfulness: Actively turn towards your suffering and work on creating a safe relationship with your fish. When you are mindful, you are by definition not being reactive. The effect of this is to create a space around the emotion. The more mindful you are, the greater the space. The more space there is, the more freedom. Freedom from what? Freedom from the grip of the negative emotion, thought or belief. There is a Zen proverb: What is the best way to control a mad bull? Answer: Place it in a very large field. If there is plenty of space, then the mad bull, or your anxiety, hurt, trauma or depression cannot harm you. Also, what is equally important is that the mad bull can’t hurt itself. This is very important, because both of you need the space in which to heal.

Mindfulness creates therapeutic space in which emotional knots can move, unwind, unfold, soften and become workable. And, what is most remarkable, if you create lots of space around your suffering, the suffering has a chance to transform and heal itself. Its not what you do that matters so much as creating this transformational therapeutic space and allowing emotions to change themselves from the inside out.

In my work as a psychotherapist, I never cease to be amazed at how effective mindfulness can be when used correctly. The moment when a client stops running away and turns towards his or her suffering with kindness, full attention and engaged presence, things start to change in a beneficial direction. The healing comes from the quality of the relationship that we have with our pain. It’s not about trying to fix things, trying to replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts – it’s all about presence. With this quality of listening, based on genuine openness and gentleness, the relationship of mindfulness, solutions appear quite naturally.

Better informed than ever before, parents have tremendous responsibility. They are trying their best to take care of their kids, their jobs, and their relationships. Since completing to-do lists is virtually impossible, guilt inevitably trickles down the spine of most conscientious parents and is an emotion most mothers and fathers are intimately familiar with.

Parents feel guilty for all sorts of reasons. It crops up when children need attention but there’s work to do. Before birth, day dreams about babies are wonderful. However, the demands of late night and early morning feedings are exhausting, and parents feel guilty about being stressed out and overwhelmed.

Parents also worry when their kids aren’t doing well. “What am I doing wrong,” they ask themselves. Or if they see that their own problems, divorce or illness for example, are affecting their sons and daughters, parents often blame themselves but feel unsure about what else to do. Moms and dads want things to go well for their kids. On any given day, though, the pressures of modern life influence whether parents effectively respond or over-react to the daily demands of child-rearing.

After a long day at work or a day with the kids, parents are tired. Some days they’re just not up for an argument and they snap at their unsuspecting little ones. The unrelenting routines of everyday life can feel discouraging. So despite good intentions, some days end in chaos. This is parenthood!

On these days, parents are inclined to judge themselves harshly. But unforgiving self-talk drains energy lowers self-esteem, causes depression, anxiety or any number of unexplained ailments.

Find a New Perspective

People tend to think that they wouldn’t feel so bad inside if they had a more traditional two parent family, a better job, or more money. They believe there are other parents who don’t suffer with bouts of guilt or doubt. In reality, there’s no escaping painful feelings. Individual circumstances vary, but troubling times and disturbing emotions are an inextricable part of the parenting journey. Emotions, even negative ones, are not character flaws or signs of weakness, they’re signs of life.

If guilt and self-doubt are unavoidable, what’s a parent to do? Exploring the emotional tone of one’s own childhood is a good place to start. Ignoring or minimizing hurtful memories won’t make them go away. Buried feelings leave parents susceptible to turning on themselves or on their children – no matter how many times they’ve promised themselves otherwise.

Mothers and fathers who grew up in a guilt-ridden environment are prone to feel guilty as adults. They learned to feel guilty at an early age and this self-concept continues, unless it’s confronted. Plus, parents with this kind of background are more likely to use guilt on their children to get what they want from them. “You should feel ashamed of yourself” is a common parental reprimand, but one that cuts deeply into a child’s self-worth.

Regardless of its source, guilt is part of life and part of parenting. When it’s unending and debilitating, professional counsel is beneficial. But it is normal and actually helpful for parents to feel bad when they make a mistake (and mistakes are inevitable). “This feels terrible; I don’t want to do that again.”

Painful experiences are important opportunities to ask “Why did this happen? What am I feeling? What do I need to do next?” This approach offers hope for meaningful change, instead of continuing a never-ending cycle of blame or self-criticism.

Kindness and generosity are a cinch when life is skipping along at a steady pace. Forgiving flaws and rethinking poor judgment takes maturity and compassion. Parents who demonstrate these qualities are helping their children to learn them.

Love and forgiveness are powerful and effective antidotes when parental shortcomings interfere with family life. Parents may not always find their higher self. But when they do, the whole family benefits.

Some people pride themselves on never getting angry.

I was talking to a client in my psychotherapy practice who says she never gets angry. At the time she was telling me about a recent experience that ruined her weekend. She described an disagreement with her roommate that left her feeling really depressed. She ended up staying inside all weekend mulling over what had happened, what each of them had said, and how miserable she felt.

What seemed clear to me, but not so clear to her, was that the conflict with her roommate made her mad. But, because she doesn’t allow herself to express any anger, it got converted into depression–which for many is much more socially acceptable. Here’s a case where finding a safe way to express her anger at her roommate would be a healthier alternative to staying in bed all day.

Some people who say they never get angry are actually really good at managing their anger in a way that it does not show; not even to themselves. But think about your every day life, aren’t there times when things don’t go your way…even small things? It would be normal to have some anger when things don’t go your way. Maybe you call it frustration or irritation rather than anger. It is a good idea to identify this anger, whether or not you decide to do anything about it. Name it. Understand why it exists. Use it, if there is a way to make it useful. Unnamed or unexpressed anger can leak out in different ways that are not very useful–like depression.

To help with this problem, I suggested finding safe ways to express anger. Safe expression means that the anger is expressed in a way that doesn’t hurt anyone. Some safe options include writing out what is bothering you. This could take the form of a letter to someone–a letter that you may not send–or making a journal entry that expresses the depth of your upset. Talking to someone who is a good listener is a good option. Physical activity that allows you use up the energy in a productive way, including exercise, is a great outlet.

Anger creates energy. It is commonly referred to as the fight or flight response. The body prepares itself for a struggle or pulls together its energy to flee from the danger. Managing anger involves finding something to do with this energy. Diffusing this energy can take forms like walking around the block or other exercise. Sometimes, though, the energy can be turned into a useful, motivating thing.

Think about organizations like Mothers Against Drunk Driving. Someone got energized to take action to create change in the larger society. Laws have been passed, regulations enacted, programs developed, all because someone became irritated enough and then used that irritation to find a solution to the problem.

Anger is a natural emotion that all of us experience from time to time and it does not have to be destructive, abusive, or violent in its expression.

What is emotional intelligence? Simply put, it is the capacity of a person to interpret and actualize upon human emotions, both outwardly and inwardly. An “emotionally intelligent” person is able to know and to control the emotions of themselves, of other people and of entire groups of people. Within the field of study of emotional intelligence, there are five basic “competencies” that are learned skills and capabilities that allow a person to utilize their emotional intelligence processes to affect themselves and others.

According to Daniel Goleman’s model, the competencies of emotional intelligence break down into “intra-personal” and “inter-personal”, the first category dealing with a person’s own emotions and the latter dealing with emotional interaction between two or more people. Here are the five competencies of emotional intelligence.

SELF-AWARENESS
Self-awareness is the ability to focus attention on your own emotional state in any situation, and being able to effectively process this state and use what you know to better inform your future actions. Say you are angry. A self-aware person will not only know they are angry, but the cause of the anger, and will use this knowledge to decide his or her next step.

SELF-REGULATION
Self-regulation allows you to select the particular emotion you wish to experience at a given moment, in a particular situation. This process takes a lot of practice and a considerable amount of self-control, but mastering it will allow you to take ownership of your emotions, and free you from being anyone else’s emotional victim because you and you along will manage your emotional reaction. It needs to be noted, however, that self-regulation is more than merely “stuffing” or ignoring negative emotions. It is an active process that takes considerable training and focus to accomplish.

SELF-MOTIVATION
Self-motivation allows you to use your emotions to affect positive change in your life through dedicated pursuit of your goals, no matter the obstacles in your way. This process requires you to employ your emotions toward near-complete positivity, optimism, confidence and persistence. It is essential that you release the negative emotional reactions to achieve self-motivation.

EMPATHY
The empathy competency of emotional intelligence is the ability to feel what another person is feeling, and to see and feel life from their perspective. This allows you to rationally and effectively consider their emotional state and how best to guide them to a state of positivity and optimism.

NURTURING RELATIONSHIPS
Nurturing relationships requires you to sincerely demonstrate an emotional interest and compassion for others. Your actions and words must reflect a proper respect for the effort of others with the goal of compromise and teamwork at the heart of the endeavor.